I Want to Hold Your Hand
by Shiny the Strange
Summary: What was she supposed to say? She didn't want to break Hanamaru's heart, but she couldn't be honest either.


**Also on Ao3 and tumblr under Shiny_the_Strange. Please enjoy.**

* * *

"I love you, Dia-san."

Dia sucked a breath back, unable to speak as she stared back at Hanamaru. Had she really heard what she thought she had? After a few moments, she croaked a response out: "Pardon me?"

Hanamaru trembled slightly as her golden eyes met Dia's own. She squeezed the pillow in her arms tightly. "I-I said I love you, Dia-san."

 _So I did hear that right_ … Oh no. Suddenly Dia was tempted to leap off her chair and bolt out of the room, to be out of Hanamaru's sight. She glanced out the window, staring into the navy blue, starlit sky. Wouldn't it be nice to be outside with the stars? However, as much as she wanted to leave, she couldn't; this was far too important to run off during. "Uhm…When you say 'love', in what way do you mean it? A-As in, you love me as your friend?" It was a ridiculous question to ask, Dia knew, but she needed to be one hundred percent certain.

Hanamaru shook her head. "It took me a while to figure it out. But n-now I know how I feel, zura. I love—I'm in love with you, Dia-san."

Well, that certainly proved it. Dia's entire face instantly burned up. Her heart pounded, her stomach fluttered as swirl of emotion wracked her body. Here Hanamaru was, sitting on Dia's bed, outright confessing her love. When Hanamaru had asked to come over to tell her something important, Dia hadn't expected _this_. Then again, considering the current circumstances, it was rather suspect. The two were alone in the house, with Ruby at Yoshiko's place for a sleepover and the Kurosawa parents having gone away together on business for the weekend.

"It's okay if you— if you don't know how you feel right now, zura," said Hanamaru, looking down at the pillow. Her body continued to vibrate. "I wouldn't either."

"Hanamaru-san…" Everything was a blur. What was she supposed to say? She didn't want to break Hanamaru's heart, but she couldn't be honest either. Better to settle on something else for now. "W-Why me? W-What about Yoshiko-san, or, or–" she swallowed– "or even Ruby?"

"I love them too, but they're only friends to me, zura." Hanamaru grinned sheepishly. "And…you're more beautiful than a-anyone else I know, zura. I mean, I know everyone else in Aqours is beautiful too, but it's— it's in a different way. You're confident, responsible, and cool, a-and even though you can be a bit rough on the outside, you're gentle and caring on the inside. You like to read, you appreciate history, and you have a great singing voice. Maru thinks all of that and a bunch of other little things is probably why, zura."

Dia's heart thudded even harder. Did Hanamaru honestly believe that? It was one thing, hearing these words from another student at the school; it was another hearing it from Hanamaru. Hell, even if Kanan or Mari had said something like that, it wouldn't invoke the same emotion Dia experienced right there and then. She lifted her hand, but stopped. Every part of her body itched to spring forward, to show Hanamaru how she truly felt.

Of course, that was not an option. It never would be.

"W-Well, that might be true, but trust me. You don't want to waste your time on someone like me. Why don't you find another temple girl or something? Maybe someone your own age."

Raising an eyebrow, Hanamaru frowned. "I don't want to find another temple girl. And you're only a couple years older than me. That's not much, zura. Telling me these things won't make me stop feeling the way I do." Her expression relaxed as she hugged the pillow even closer. "Being with you would never be a waste of time, zura…"

Dia couldn't take much more of this. Hanamaru's sweet, adoring face was tempting, so tempting. For a moment she thought about being genuine with how she felt, to finally cave to her long held desires—

 _No. Don't go any further._ There was no helping it now. She had to put an end to this conversation before emotion clouded her judgment and made her do something stupid.

With a sigh, Dia's gaze moved to the floor. "Forgive me, Hanamaru-san, but I do not return these feelings of yours."

Silence. Only the sound of the two girls' breathing could be heard. Seconds that were like minutes went by. Still nothing more.

Dia shifted uncomfortably. She had expected a gasp, a whine, _something_. But no, Hanamaru didn't seem to have any reaction whatsoever. As the lack of sound lingered, so too did the discomfort in the room. Despite the silence on the outside, Dia was cacophonic inside. Her words had stung her mouth, her heart. It was as if she'd cut a string of her koto and it struck her across the cheek.

"I think you should look at me when you say that," whispered Hanamaru. "You always want people to look at you when you're talking, so I think you should take your own advice."

Dia barely registered the words. The last thing she wanted to think about was Hanamaru's face; she had blocked the idea of facial reaction from her mind. She didn't dare look, lest she be disarmed by what she potentially saw. If she met Hanamaru's eyes, that would be end of it; Dia would be unable to keep anything resembling composure. The truth of her feelings would spill and drown them both. "And what's that supposed to mean? I-I've already made myself clear. Need I say it again?"

"Please," said Hanamaru. A slight crack ran through her voice, making Dia's heart sink. "I need to see your eyes."

Heart beating even faster, Dia wondered why Hanamaru had asked that. Did Hanamaru not believe her? Dia hoped that she was simply in denial about her feelings not being requited. Glancing in Hanamaru's direction, she focused on the wall behind her. "Hanamaru-san, I am not interested. That's the truth. Nothing you say will make me think any differently. Besides, even if I did reciprocate, you know quite well that we couldn't be together."

From the side of her eye, Dia watched Hanamaru stare down at the pillow. "I see..."

More silence ensued. Dia's heart ached; she hadn't lied about something this important since the original Aqours' conflict. It wasn't so different, really. In both cases, Dia had done it not out of malice but rather intense care for those other than herself. So long as these inappropriate feelings festered, she had no choice but to bottle them up, lock them away in her heart. And this time, she would do whatever it took it prevent herself from revealing them. Such was the duty of a Kurosawa woman; there was no time for silly love affairs, only wedding a man with financial assets.

How Dia wished Hanamaru was a man with financial assets.

Keeping her line of sight on the pillow, Hanamaru said, "Guess you can't help it, zura…"

Dia sighed. "No, I can't."

Yet another few moments of agonizing silence passed. "So…M-Maru should probably go home now?"

"Do as you please," said Dia before she could catch herself. Even though she was trying to be somewhat distant, she still wanted to let Hanamaru down gently. "Er, that is, don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to do."

Blinking, Hanamaru covered nearly her entire face (her eyes and above being the exception) with the pillow. "No, it's okay. I understand. I'll be— be out of your hair soon, zura."

Hanamaru's muffled, shaky voice was a javelin, stabbing Dia straight through the chest. Mouth moving faster than her brain, she said, "Listen, Hanamaru-san. While I may not feel the same, know that you're someone worth loving. You deserve only the best suitors. You need someone who will treat you well, who will give you the attention you want and deserve. Someone who sees you for how darling you are. Someone who won't hesitate to call you wonderful, lovely, or intelligent. Someone who won't lie—" No, enough of that. All those thoughts of keeping her true feelings locked away would be completely moot if she went further. Any discussion involving Dia's opinion ended _now_ , before Hanamaru had any more reason to suspect something was amiss. "My point is, even if I can't return your feelings, you're still a wonderful young woman. Never forget that."

There was a sniffle, followed by a harsh breath.

"Hanamaru-san?"

"Why must you be so wonderful?" whispered a voice. It was so quiet, Dia wasn't entirely sure it had actually been said. She finally hazarded a proper look at Hanamaru's face. Her breath caught in her throat when she noticed how wet Hanamaru's eyes were.

"I'm sorry," weakly said Hanamaru. Tears were now spilling and rolling down her cheeks. Throwing the pillow aside, she stood and raced out of the room.

"Hanamaru-san!" Dia followed suit, stopping just outside the door as Hanamaru reached the end of the hall and turned the corner. The sound of Hanamaru's footsteps gradually became quieter until they were no longer audible. When Dia heard the front door slam, she remained in her place for several minutes. Her mind was jumbled with thoughts; everything had happened so quickly.

In the end, she slunk back into her room. As she meandered over to and collapsed onto her bed, the image of Hanamaru's tearful distress refused to leave Dia's brain. She grasped the still-warm pillow and buried her face in it. However, she quickly opted to hold it to her chest instead; it was still wet from Hanamaru's tears. If only the pillow could be Hanamaru herself…

Over the years, Dia had imagined what being with Hanamaru would be like countless times. It was bound to be frustrating every so often, given how frequently Hanamaru's thoughts ran away. At the same time, however, those same thoughts were sometimes intelligent, insightful. And when they weren't, they were often rather cute. There were times Dia imagined the two reading together, getting cozy and enjoying their company so much that they'd forget about the books in front of them. Sometimes they would cuddle up, other times Hanamaru would fall asleep and lay her head in Dia's lap. They would go on museum dates, talk about everything from Japanese history to politics, and spend quiet evenings at home, content simply with each other's company. Embarrassing as it was, Dia often imagined pulling Hanamaru close to her and peppering smooches all over her face. Eventually their mouths would touch, kissing until they could kiss no more—

Her thoughts came to a stop when she realized she was reenacting the final one with the pillow. Though she instantly removed her mouth from it, she continued to clutch her pillow as she sat up and made her way to the house's entrance.

Next to the front door was a small window that the household primarily used to see who was visiting. There were a few steps beneath it, allowing whoever stood upon it to have a better view of visitors while said visitors had a difficult time seeing back. Stepping up the stairs and peering out the window, Dia examined the pathway leaving the house.

There was nothing. No footprints, no dropped objects, no indication that Hanamaru was ever there.

Her attention turned to the sky. Adorned with a crescent moon and not a single cloud in sight, it seemed like it went on forever. Kanan had always gone on about how amazing the night sky was, how vast it was and how it held so many mysteries. How it made you realize just how small you were compared to the rest of the universe. Dia understood that more than ever now.

"It'll be alright. It'll be alright." She repeated the words to herself over and over. Surely Hanamaru wasn't the only person out there Dia would desire with the same kind of passion. Someday she'd get over the feeling and be happy with whoever she married. Maybe in another universe she and Hanamaru could've had a 'together'. Maybe she could've held Hanamaru and told her just how much she'd been waiting for the moment to admit her feelings. Maybe they could've held hands as they stared up at the same sky.

Maybe there was a universe where the distant sobs of a lonely temple girl didn't fill the night.

Dia rested her forehead against the glass, keeping her gaze on the moon as her cheeks became wetter by the second.

"I love you too, Hanamaru-san."


End file.
